When to Tell (and When Not To)

A friend of mine posed this scenario to me:

Some man, whom you do not know, walks up and engages in conversation. At some point he asks you out for a movie or drinks or dinner.


Would you, during the date, tell him that you are a transwoman?
Would you bring up the subject even if he never did?
And if so, what would your approach be?

This is a really tough issue that I was struggling over very recently.

The consensus, if you're pre-op, is to let them know up front. But I am not (or am going to try not to), tell everyone I meet I'm a trans woman. When they get to know me better as friends, then I might bring it up.

The reason this was bothering me is that there is a really sweet older guy that works at the 7/11 catty corner across the street from my place. At first, when I moved in to my apartment in September, he flirted with me, loving my smile. As I came in every two weeks for breakfast after filling up he would literally quake with anticipation. At first, I wrote this off as him just being a big tease with all the ladies.

Then he walked over to me at the coffee station and said "Hi," using my name. He loves to touch my hand at the checkout and I love it, too. I decided to stop by for breakfast every morning, because he got such a thrill out of it, and he went to the respectful effort to at least memorize my name. And I got a thrill out of his thrill.

He started paying for my breakfast at the register, not every day, but 3 times now. At that point I knew he had a serious crush on me. I knew it was time to say something, get it out of the way, and let him move on to someone else. But there was never an alone moment I could tell him, let alone figure out how to tell him.

I tried dropping subtle hints that gradually lost their subtlety. I told him that I may not be everything he's expecting. I told him it must be the coffee he was drinking that gave him the shakes. I even stopped by for a stamp last week and said I was so excited that I got the letter I was waiting on, so my passport wouldn't be assigned in my birth-assigned gender. The next morning I repeated why I was happy.

Then yesterday my battery died. It took two jumps just to get across the street to 7/11 where I could make my daily encounter. I had grease on my fingers and asked to borrow the waterless hand cleaner. He helped coax some of the last of the gel onto my hands. And then he comped my breakfast again.

While I was waiting outside by my car with the jumper cables dangling out of my hood, he came out and offered to jump my car. He left for a moment and drove up in a silver PT Cruiser, hooked up the cables to his car, while I attached the power lead to mine. When he was done, he wound up my cable and as he was handing them to me, he told me how he thinks about me every day. I laid my hand for a moment on his forearm.

Then he told me how much he wanted to kiss me, but was afraid it was too public. So I leaned in to peck him on the lips. His mouth opened immediately to probe my lips with his tongue. After a couple of seconds, I broke off and started backing away. Instinct was kicking in and it solved my problem of telling him. As I backed up, I told him, "You have to know I don't have the right equipment, yet."

"You don't see me complaining," was followed by a pregnant pause and then the words, "I'm bi."

And I had been sure I was going to break his heart when I told him. On Wednesdays he works the second shift. I'm going to stop by after work today to pick up a Sobe and say, "Hi." And maybe ask if he would like to do coffee or dinner in a nice public setting.

Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, I did get a new battery installed at the dealership nearest my apartment.

Hugs,
Sophie

Almost 2 Years 9 Months on Hormones

I took these images tonight to record my progress. I think I'm quite pleased with the results so far.

A Love Letter to My Vagina

Your labial lips are sealed,

The clitoris over-sized

And sitting like a toadstool 

On the end of a vaginal canal turned inside out.

My love,

I have tried to return you

To where you belong,

Inside,

Where you can lovingly embrace

My lover,

My lover's finger,

My lovers's tongue.

I have tried to punish you

For your congenital misshapen self.

I have tried to please you until the skin tore

And bled.

For that I am truly sorry

And I hope to make it up to you

When your shape has been set right

And I have been made whole.

You have admitted 

The brutal attempt

Of a male lover

Who drunkenly found your cervix,

Painfully almost punching a hole

Through your sealed labia.

And that same cervix

Yielded to the exploratory fingers

Of my intersex lover,

Who discovered you

And canals the doctors would say I shouldn't have.

They would say

I shouldn't have the groinal pain

The cramps

The bloating

That accompanies your menstrual cycle

Because you need a uterus for that.

But no one's seen what is truly hidden

Behind your sealed labial lips

This May,

When I have surgery,

When the doctor brings out your inner beauty,

Cutting open my sealed labial lips,

Reducing the size of the clitoris,

And turning you right side out to line the vaginal walls,

Fully sensitive,

Lubricating at a lovers touch,

He will also remove your one ovary that keeps trying

To painfully return home.

People are already lining up,

Wanting to be the first

To experience your love,

But that honor

Will be mine,

As I gently put my fingers to your lips.

And I will not 

Let others abuse you.

I will be the gatekeeper 

To the gate,

Allowing only the most gentle

Lovers anywhere near

Your sweet lips.

When Tomorrow Comes

They say Tomorrow never comes...

But she did for me...

Twice.

Tomorrow likes to be stimulated,

To feel good,

To be wanted,

Needed.

Loved.

Look forward to Tomorrow,

Clothe her with the finest silk,

Drape her with Love.

Prepare for Tomorrow 

A world she can adore,

In safety,

Comfort,

 Forevermore.

Then when Tomorrow is here,

Understand Her,

Know Her,

Accept Her.

At times

 She only needs a Woman's touch,

Caressing,

Gentle,

Patient

And Compassionate.

Oh,

And if you touch Tomorrow,

In the right way,

Intensely with a burning desire

That will never stray,

You can make her come.

And when Tomorrow comes,

Remember the passion you gave Yesterday,

When Yesterday was Today

And you only have a heart

For Tomorrow Today.

A Little Bit Surprised

"Does he?" I'd asked, a little bit surprised by the sudden change in what had been up to that point an innocuous conversation.
-- Katie MacAlister, Playing with Fire

I know I have been stressed out and a little ill, lately, but does that give the person I've known for little over three weeks the right to accept the arms of another woman that she had barely met two days ago?

I can understand if it was an ex, probably even encourage it--but going from my bed to the bed of someone I knew scantily beforehand hurt me. Apparently, the libido of the person I was dating is too active for me.

She's out there somewhere, with some of her things still in my apartment. In my mind, she cheated, and cheating this early on is a sign of trouble.

Polyamory as I understand it, is not about having the freedom to slip into anybody's bed that you please. It's about multiple loving, and, I believe, creating a family structure. It's not about having the right to infidelity. It's about having the responsibility for multi-fidelity. It's about being faithful to the people you currently have relationships with first, because once someone's in your heart, they are there to stay, unless they do something abusive to shred your trust.

That said, because people will get jealous, or feel inadequate or simply miss your touch, care must be taken when introducing a new relation. And that works best if the current relations, especially the primary, have had time to become grounded. I don't think 3 weeks is enough.

But even then, all it would have taken would have been a phone call: "Hey, hon. R and I were cuddling for support and were feeling a little intimate right now. Would that be okay with you if we explored it further?" But no, I had to find out when I called, already afraid that I had sent her into the arms of another woman.

It would have been even better for me to get to know R as family first anyway, and discussed the okayness of occasional encounters.

The result, instead, is that I feel betrayed, and am ready to cut my losses on my way to Salt Lake City. What was going to be a long-distance relationship may well be no relationship. The quandary I suffered for leaving someone behind has been eradicated.

While I am open to a poly relationship, I feel there must be poly-fidelity within that relationship as well as any other. Without it, I just become another in a string of lovers, and that I can do without.

Kisses,
Sophie

Certain Other Inalienable Rights

Certain Other Inalienable Rights

Choked,

Beaten,

Toughened up,

A young child dies

Because his

or her

Mother's boyfriend

Decided...

...Decided

To make a man out of a toddler,

A baby considered too feminine,

Too soft,

Too loving

To be allowed to live that way.

Who made you God?

To dictate the person that

He...

I...

You...

Anybody can be.

I hold that we are endowed by a Creator

With certain other inalienable rights:

To love,

To be ourselves,

To be a part of our community.

I will not be pigeonholed

Because of who I am,

Who I love

Or who I choose to be with.

 I will not be:

Your slave,

Your slut

Or your whore.

I might

Be your girlfriend,

Your Friend,

Your coworker

If you treat me right.

I have been created with the inalienable right

To love someone

Tender,

Considerate

And Respectful

I have the inalienable right

To not climb into your pickup,

To say, "No,"

To not have sex with you.

I have the inalienable right

To not be groped,

To not be felt up,

To not have your finger up my ass.

I have the inalienable right

To not be raped,

To work a job I'm capable of

To make as much as you do

If I do the same work.

To be your boss

If I do it better.

I have the inalienable rights to

Peace,

Justice,

Respect,

Consideration,

And community.

 Respect my rights

As I do yours.

Hugs and God Bless,
- Sophie J. 

The Passing Glance

I am learning an age old technique that sometimes works to get someone to be more interested in me. Sometimes, it's accidental. Other times, it seems to be second nature.

The trick is to only glance at the person that's interested in you and then turn your gaze slightly to the side, as if you didn't notice them approaching, slowly beginning a grin as you still watch them in the peripheral vision.

I did this once by accident by turning and walking away slowly after  I saw someone that I like to dance with take a detour off the dance floor looking for a new partner. I made sure that he saw me turn. Before I made it to my seat, he had swung around me and offered his hand for a dance.

And last night, it worked again, as after watching the dancers on the floor, I saw someone I know suddenly freed from the last dance partner, glanced at him as he was moving in my direction, and slid my glance slightly to the side and down, watching him approach with his hand out out of the corner of my eye.

It seems that there's an art, that really gentle guys like a "shy" appreciation but not a lingering stare. It's like you are saying to them, You seem a little interesting, but I'm not obsessed with you.

Every time, it seems that when I have tired from watching the dance floor, or was just bored with looking around and trying to not stare, I would accidentally get attention, yet nice attention.

Hugs,
Sophie