"Does he?" I'd asked, a little bit surprised by the sudden change in what had been up to that point an innocuous conversation.
-- Katie MacAlister, Playing with Fire
I know I have been stressed out and a little ill, lately, but does that give the person I've known for little over three weeks the right to accept the arms of another woman that she had barely met two days ago?
I can understand if it was an ex, probably even encourage it--but going from my bed to the bed of someone I knew scantily beforehand hurt me. Apparently, the libido of the person I was dating is too active for me.
She's out there somewhere, with some of her things still in my apartment. In my mind, she cheated, and cheating this early on is a sign of trouble.
Polyamory as I understand it, is not about having the freedom to slip into anybody's bed that you please. It's about multiple loving, and, I believe, creating a family structure. It's not about having the right to infidelity. It's about having the responsibility for multi-fidelity. It's about being faithful to the people you currently have relationships with first, because once someone's in your heart, they are there to stay, unless they do something abusive to shred your trust.
That said, because people will get jealous, or feel inadequate or simply miss your touch, care must be taken when introducing a new relation. And that works best if the current relations, especially the primary, have had time to become grounded. I don't think 3 weeks is enough.
But even then, all it would have taken would have been a phone call: "Hey, hon. R and I were cuddling for support and were feeling a little intimate right now. Would that be okay with you if we explored it further?" But no, I had to find out when I called, already afraid that I had sent her into the arms of another woman.
It would have been even better for me to get to know R as family first anyway, and discussed the okayness of occasional encounters.
The result, instead, is that I feel betrayed, and am ready to cut my losses on my way to Salt Lake City. What was going to be a long-distance relationship may well be no relationship. The quandary I suffered for leaving someone behind has been eradicated.
While I am open to a poly relationship, I feel there must be poly-fidelity within that relationship as well as any other. Without it, I just become another in a string of lovers, and that I can do without.
Kisses,
Sophie
